Meet Sam, from Pakistan, a 26 year old asylum seeker living in West London.
In 2010 Sam left Pakistan and came to the UK on a study visa to study business management at college. But in 2015, Sam learned that he could no longer safely return to Pakistan:
“I had one boyfriend in Pakistan. When I was a child in school he was with me, when I was in College he was with me, and at home, he was my neighbour too. But in 2015 he had some problems with the police. He was kissing some other man, and the police caught him…They asked who else was involved, and when they beat him up, he told them my name. That I was his friend, that we had an affair…a long time ago. So the police went to my home, and they asked where I was.
After the police visit, Sam's father called him from Pakistan to find out what was going on, and whether the police's allegations were true. He asked if Sam was involved in 'homosexual activities', and Sam immediately denied this. For the safety of his friend and himself, he couldn't come out to his family. Although Sam's father seemed to accept his response, two days later he called Sam and asked him to return to Pakistan for an arranged marriage to his cousin.
"I was like shocked. Because to be honest, I didn’t want to ruin her life. She is nice, but as a gay man I cannot live with a woman. It’s really hard for me."
"So I told my dad I need some time to think if I want to get married to her or not. He said “Okay, I will give you two days to decide”. He’s very straightforward, very strict. My dad he’s too much into Islam. I know he loves me, and I love him too. He wants to do too many things for me. But I have my life…he doesn’t understand I love men. For him it’s completely something different, like I’m doing the worst thing ever.
After two days passed, I called him, I couldn’t say yes and I couldn’t say no. I said I needed more time, I couldn’t leave my studies halfway through. But the thing is, I didn’t have a visa,I wasn’t studying at the time. And my dad was sure I would come back and get married, so he had arranged everything for the marriage. The whole time I was confused and getting depressed about what to do. I wasn’t even going out, because I was scared of the police. Because if they send me back to Pakistan, what would happen to me?"
One day, while out grocery shopping at Asda, Sam was approached by a Romanian woman who asked him out for a coffee date, which he agreed to:
"We had our first date four days later. All the time I was thinking about what I could do. I thought if she married me I would get the papers to stay and I will be safe here. This is a common idea if you are not from the UK. As a gay man it was really hard for me to think how I could stay with a girl. It would be really hard for me to satisfy her. But I thought I had to try because I had no options at all. My dad had stopped sending me money slowly, because he wanted me to come back. He started to think that what the police were saying was true."
They continued dating and after six weeks, Sam moved in with her. Sam's girlfriend knew about his visa issues, and that he had no money, but not that he was gay. Together, they decided to apply for a partnership visa, so that Sam could legally stay in the UK, and they could start a family together.
"We were together for four months. She was helping me with everything, paying my rent, food. I was dependent on her. But in the meantime it was really hard for me to make her happy. Because we are completely different. And also if we were talking about sex…She kept asking what was wrong with me and if I was having an affair with another woman. She was confused. I didn’t tell her because I didn’t want her to leave me or to get me arrested. I had overstayed my visa.
I didn’t want to do anything bad to ruin her life. But I didn’t know what to do, so I applied to stay with her. But as soon as I made the application, she disappeared. Her phone was blocked, Facebook also. I don’t why. Maybe she found out. I couldn’t contact her at all.
So in January 2016 I tried to kill myself. I felt that I had no options. No colleges. No job. And I didn’t know I could apply for asylum on the basis of my sexuality. Nobody told me. I didn’t have any clue. You know in countries like Pakistan it’s completely different. There is no protection."
"Because when she left me my dad was pushing me. And one day my dad had called me and gave me one last chance to answer him and come home. When I said no, he was very angry and said the police were right, that I was gay. He told me never to come back or he would do very bad things to me. Because my dad is practicing Islam, if he can have a son like me what is the image of him? It will bring shame on the family. So my cousins said he should kick me out of the property and give my name to the newspapers so the police can catch me.
So my dad gave my name to the newspaper, and they wrote that I did crimes against Islam and printed my photo.
My sister sent me the article and I was shocked. I didn’t know what to do. I couldn’t go back to Pakistan, but I also wasn’t allowed to live here. And if I go back they will kill me...And now my sister stopped speaking to me also. There are too many bad things planted in her mind. So I don’t have any contact with my family now.When my friends in Pakistan found out I was gay, they also stopped contacting me."
In March 2017 Sam applied for asylum in the UK on grounds of sexual persecution.
"After I tried to kill myself I went to the hospital and spoke to my GP who sent me to Back on Track and Metro for counselling. Now I am with the Say it Loud Club, and I go there to speak with them. Aloysius is really helpful, and I have made a few friends there as well.
In March 2017, I applied for asylum on grounds of my sexuality. Until then, I was just sitting in my room by myself. I didn’t know about asylum. I lost a year of my life. Imagine: just sitting in your room and thinking of your family.
When my dad was supporting me, I had two cars, one bike. I had a lot of money. When I had a lot of money I had a lot of friends. To be honest, my dad is a rich man. So once I needed money, I had some friends to help me with money, and they are still helping me now. They are paying my rent. I lived in a very cheap room, and I helped my landlord with cleaning. Now I’m living with one of my friends so he is paying for half. It’s getting hard now though, to ask my friends all the time for money.
I’m not getting any help from the government. Why? Because I didn’t know I could. I don’t have a solicitor. I really need help, because all the time I’m asking my friends. And sometimes I’m too shy. One day they are going to say no. The NHS I’m using for medicine for my depression. But the medicines are too expensive. I spend at least £17 a month on medicines…My doctor he’s good, I like him. He helped me a lot. But he didn’t tell me about free prescriptions. I didn’t know that was something I could have so I didn’t ask. I really need my medicine. Because sometimes my heart is crying. I can’t explain."
Looking to the future:
"What do I want most of all? I want to be free. Because in this country I can say I am free. But there I don’t know. Because there the mentality of the people is they kill someone for anything they think is against Islam. This is going on. Being gay is against Islam, but it’s not someone’s fault. I can say I am still Muslim. I am like not a follower, like some people who follow it too much. I am a believer, but not a follower. But nowadays I don’t go to mosque. I don’t go anywhere anymore.
I don’t want to be struggling forever because of my sexuality. I don’t want to take any medicine or lose my friends because of my depression. Because sometimes I sit with my friends, but I’m like far away, and they say what’s wrong with you? Are you out of your mind? And I’m like sitting in the corner and don’t speak with them because I have too many things in my mind. Even my hairs are getting grey now because I think a lot.
I’m still struggling to stay alive to be honest. Sometimes I can’t sleep for three days. Because when I try to sleep I can see my dad, like he’s talking to me. So I take the strong medicine my doctor gives me for sleep, and that helps me.The other day I went to the doctor and he gave me sleeping medicine for seven days, and I took it all in three days. And he strongly told me never to do that. But what I can do?
Look I’m not working, I just sit at home. Sometimes I feel I don’t have power in my body, I’m just wasting away. I’m just thinking. I want to go to the gym, but I don’t have money. I used to go to gym before but not £30 for me is just too much. I have no idea when my claim will be decided. When I have the interview they will let me know within two weeks I think. If they don’t get granted then I have to appeal, but for that I need a solicitor. But I don’t have one."
The best thing about the UK:
"The best thing about this country for me is that I’m gay and nobody cares about this. Nobody says nothing. This is the best thing for me ever. And if I have money I can go to clubs. You know I can find my partner. A good one! Yeah, this is my plan. But now I can’t go nowhere. I have no money. I don’t have money to buy clothes. To shave my hair. Sometimes I don’t even have money to buy deodorant.
I hope they will never send me back. Otherwise I love this country. Because of freedom. Once I am granted my visa, I can continue my studies, I can do some better jobs. I want to be a business man."